Wide Awake | Wide Awake Family

Superheroes Live in Our House.

Posted on February 12, 2019 by kimnjed

Sometimes I don’t know completely what I’m thinking or feeling until I write it out. You’ve been warned. 🙂

When we moved to Ukraine 5 years ago our mission was clear: to bring hope, love and dignity to people with disabilities. Our main goal was deinstitutionalization. We dreamed of this work. We dreamed of this reality. We dreamed of the day we would begin to bring our guys out and have the opportunity to show them the love of a family. I dreamed of being a mama to them- to those who had no mama.

Now we are living that dream. It is a reality!

Four of the very ones we dreamed of setting free are downstairs drinking tea at the kitchen table. The ones who can speak call me “mama”. I dreamed of that. 🙂

Yes, I dreamed of it, but now that it’s here, I struggle with the reality of it. The day to day of it is harder than I imagined- much less romantic than I imagined. The reality of deinstitutionalization of adults who are so very broken- body, mind and spirit is non-stop work with very little reward. Yet I longed for it. I wept for it. I dreamed of it. But it’s so dang hard. So.dang.hard.

Where’s the disconnect? I love our guys. I can’t imagine not having them with us. Then why do I struggle so bad with their behaviors? Why am I so often annoyed? Why do I (too often) wake with dread in my heart over the hardships I know the day will bring?

I can tell you why. Two reasons:

Far too often I try to do this work, live this life, without Jesus.
As much as I fight for our guys to be included and seen as equals by the people around them, in my heart, I still see them as “less than”.

Friends, this work will bring you to your knees. Spending your life with the broken, teaching them to become human is a work that will break you. Well, I guess I can’t speak for you, but it’s definitely breaking me. Every single day I’m confronted with my own weakness, my own ugliness. It’s so yucky. Here I am fighting for justice for our guys; trying to show Ukrainians a new way, and yet I know that I don’t value them the way they deserve to be valued. Somehow, even after knowing all they have suffered, I still have a bit of my heart that looks down at them.

God forgive me.

I put my agenda before them. I dismiss their feelings as less important than my own. I shower love on them when they behave more human, but when they move into old behaviors I withhold my affection.

God forgive me.

I find myself realizing that those who are “lower functioning” (I hate that term but don’t know a better one) are generally easier for me because they require less of me. I can care for them more on my terms- when it’s convenient for me. The “higher functioning” of our boys demand more. Their struggles, feelings and hurts are presented in more complex ways and I’m exhausted with trying to make sense of it all, so I sometimes give up.

God forgive me.

As you’ve figured out, if you’ve read this far- I am far from a superhero (I’m sure you already knew that). I am a super flawed human who screws up on the regular. I function too often out of my own strength, which is consistently running out.

I need Jesus. Guys, I have zero business getting out of my bed and letting my feet touch the ground without first talking with Jesus. I’ll tell you what happens when I try to do my day in Kim’s strength. I’m short- like I have zero patience. I’m easily annoyed. I find more joy in my coffee than in the people around me. I’m discontent. I search for approval from others. I look for distraction. I compare my life to the lives of others and I either envy them, judge them, or puff myself up. Bottom line: Kim minus Jesus equals HOT MESS.

I’m not sure why I think I can do this on my own when I so clearly stink at it.

And yet-

His power is made perfect in my weakness. God has called us to this work and I know that I know if I turn to Him He will give me everything I need. Tomorrow is a new day and His mercies are new every morning. Amen?

I’ll tell you who the superheroes are around here: their names are Ruslan, Anton, Boris and Vladik.

Our guys have endured unimaginable pain, abuse and neglect. Their childhoods were stolen from them. Their teen years were stolen from them. So many missed opportunities, missed birthdays, missed cuddles, missed “I love you”s, missed adventures, missed family dinners, missed holidays, missed moments of peace and joy. Ruslan, Anton and Boris spent 3 decades as prisoners, innocent of any crime.

They came to us afraid, diseased, malnourished of body and spirit. But every single day they wake up and they try again. They are survivors. They are learning to give themselves to others, learning to become human. I’m certain it hurts them far more than it hurts me.

Our guys are deserving of the best- not because of what they have endured and not because of their likability, but because they are children of God, created in His image, just like you and me.

I’m done. I’m done holding back a part of my heart and selfishly longing for something different. I’m done parceling out my love to those who “deserve it” in that particular moment.

I’m here. I’m planting myself. No matter if our guys are every fully included into society here in Ukraine, they will fully be included into my heart. Not everyone is lucky enough to live with superheroes, but I get to live with 4. I’m one lucky lady. 🙂

BeLOVE[d]

Five Years!

Posted on November 14, 2018 by kimnjed

Happy Ukrainiversary to us! Yesterday marked 5 years since the plane touched down in Kyiv and we began our new life. FIVE YEARS! Momentous. 🙂

So much has changed in the past five years it hardly feels like we are the same people that arrived in Ukraine with 12 suitcases and a guitar. For one thing, we’ve grown from a family of 6 to a family of 11. Wooooooah Nelly!

Then

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Now

Last night we had plans to go out to a restaurant for a traditional Ukrainian meal, but one of our guys was having a rough one so we needed to stay in for the night. After we got the guys to bed we gathered the kids on our bed upstairs and took turns sharing something we each love about our life here in Ukraine. It was a sweet time. Many of your names were mentioned! Along this journey we have met so many wonderful friends from all over the US and around the world.

I shared with our kids a memory of our very first day in Ukraine. It’s a memory that about sums up our first several months here.

When we arrived in Kyiv on November 13, 2013 our dear friend, Olya, came with us from the airport to Zhytomyr to spend the first couple of days with us, to help us get settled a bit. Keep in mind that we knew ZERO language and were basically clueless about everything having to do with life in Ukraine. Sure, we had visited, but let me tell you- visiting another country IS NOT the same as setting up a life there and living there. The morning after we arrived we decided to hop on the bus with our littles in tow and head to the big grocery store to get some necessities. I remember arriving at the store, hopping off the bus and Addy, 9 years old at the time, saying “It doesn’t really seem that different here!” Oh Addy, bless your heart. 😉 We wandered aimlessly through the store, jet-lagged and overwhelmed. Three-year old Seth fell asleep in the grocery cart. We knew we needed diapers…and maybe TP? Why did we not make a list??? The kids were being super loud and all other children in sight were silent…we were stressed and didn’t know what any of the labels on the food meant…

I remember the chaos of figuring out money at the checkout and Jed vowing never to go the store again with all 4 kids. I’m pretty sure that at that time we felt like 4 kids was waaaaaay too many. Little did we know what the future held! Oy.

We got home from the store with as much as we could carry and, after unpacking the bags, realized we still had no idea what to cook for dinner. I think we ended up eating a lot of oatmeal in those early days. Ha! We learned much through trial and error, and still do. But it’s actually quite encouraging to think back and realize how stupid we were then! Hehe.

Now, five years later, we can fondly look back at those beginnings and praise God for ALL the amazing things he has done. When we arrived in Ukraine the dreams we had in our heart were not even legal. There was no legal mechanism for the deinstitutionalization of adults. We had no idea that two weeks after we arrived a revolution would begin. And as Ukraine endeavors to move toward the EU, our dream of deinstitutionalization is now a mandate. What are the odds? God is crazy good like that.

God had so many beautiful gifts waiting for us in Ukraine. Four of those gifts are currently downstairs drinking tea. 🙂 We had no idea when we first visited Romaniv that we were meeting 4 of our sons. Oh, and if you would have told me 5 years ago that we would have another baby, and that she would be born here in Ukraine, well, I probably would have spit out my coffee. Woooooooah, that was a doozy of a surprise. But, I love how God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. Our Evie blesses our hearts and brings us joy and healing every single day.

It’s funny to imagine that most of our team members were teenagers when we first moved to Ukraine. Kids! I absolutely love the team He is building here. I’m thankful that our guys are surrounded daily by people who don’t just tolerate them, but love them, champion them, and challenge them.

The days are long and often hard, but the years are quick. The greatest gift that God has given to me in these past 5 years is the gift of learning to lay myself down. Daily I’m confronted with my own weakness and my own brokenness. As we serve the broken hearts, broken minds, broken bodies here in our home, I’m confronted with my selfishness and general ickiness of heart. I thank God that He is moving the hearts of our family from charity to compassion. He is changing us all, from the inside out.

So, here’s to 5 more years of saying YES to the next thing. Thank you to each of you who have prayed for us, encouraged us, supported us. We could never walk this journey alone. Thank you for joining us in YES!

BeLOVE[d]

Photo highlights:

My Littles, our first week in Ukraine

Our first Christmas

Boris and me, back in the day

2014

Christmas #2!

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Vladik’s Day of Freedom! 2015

The day we got the keys to the Wide Awake Homestead! 2016

A biiiiiiiig work in progress

Wide Awake Homestead! 2017

Boris’ Day of Freedom! 2017

Welcome to the world Evie Joy 2018

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Ruslan and Anton’s Day of Freedom! 2018

‘s

Keeping up with the Joneses

Posted on October 3, 2013 by kimnjed

Photo Credit

Do you live in one of those neighborhoods where it seems like each guy is trying to outdo the rest of the block with his lawn care?

You know what I mean.

“I noticed Jim and Nancy put in some fresh bark chips and a row of boxwoods. I think I better go ahead and put the lighted fountain in that I was planning to do last year.” “Honey, make sure to use solar powered lighting like Russ and Deb have. We want people to know we care…. well, about the environment and all.”

As I fell asleep a couple nights ago, I distinctly heard God ask me to study Nehemiah. Not read it, not skim through and look for “life verse” to put on the fridge. STUDY Nehemiah.

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I’ll get back to that.

The Johnson clan has been on the road for the last couple weeks, sharing the vision of Wide Awake International.

I left Kim and the kids in Montana, with my sister, and took a little jaunt to Colorado Springs to share with our dear friends at New Life Downtown and to attend a Missional Leaders Meeting with our group of churches.

I have been surrounded by beauty all week near Garden of the Gods.

I have truly met some amazing heroes. One couple, named Paul and Kristen, have been loving on orphans with special needs in Bolivia. They take them in to their home, get them medical care and love on them. They have been doing this for years, under the radar. Absolute heroes.

Another woman has been taking physical therapists and piles of wheelchairs into Kazakhstan, outfitting people with wheelchairs that fit their body and help them be mobile. Fantastic!

While we have known Tri and Nancy Robinson with i-61 Ministries, I have had the joy of meeting Sergio and Michael, who tirelessly work to mobilize people, passion, resources and the education needed to address injustice across the world. Intensity!

I wish I would have taken a picture of these folks and so many more. I want you to see the fire in their eyes. These people have given up everything to bring Dignity, Hope and Love to the marginalized, counted out and the broken. Heroic!

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Well back to Nehemiah and the Landscaping.

On my first read through the book, I wondered if all the different families were just trying to keep up with the Joneses as they started to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem.

“Did you see Eliakim and his kids out there this morning? I can’t leave my section of the wall all tore down if they are gonna build their section. What will the neighbors think?”

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Who knows? That is why I am studying the book, I guess.

All I know is that as I have been meeting all these amazing people, I have realized there are many people like Kim and I who have sold everything to address the inhumanity that spans the globe. There are people, just like us, who won’t wait another minute to do something about the injustice that breaks the heart of God.

I have met the “Joneses” that I want to try to keep up with. I have seen the hands of Jesus in the hearts of great people who are loving their neighbor. They are heroes, each one.

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All In.

Posted on July 21, 2013 by kimnjed

Home again! The National Vineyard Leaders Conference was basically amazing awesomeness wrapped up in wonderfulness.
Best.Time.Ever. I loved every second of it.

Truth be told, I was a bit nervous heading into this conference. I may, or may not have shed a few tears over it in nervous anticipation. Ha! I wanted Jed to be the one to represent us, but he had to work, so he sent me instead. He’s the “connector extraordinaire”. I’m usually too busy herding kids to do much connecting. But, God definitely had a plan for me this week. I’m still reeling in the wonder of it all.

This is an absolutely amazing time to be a part of the Vineyard family. God is calling the Vineyard out in the areas of justice, mercy, and compassion like never before.

“If we’re Kingdom people- believing that God’s kingdom is coming to earth right here and now- than we should be the frontrunners in justice, mercy, and compassion ministries”
–Tri Robinson

YES!!! Oh man, I loved it when I heard those words spoken. To see a room jam packed with Vineyard folks wanting to know how their body can better serve the lost and forgotten did my heart good. I won’t soon forget it.

The theme of the conference was “All In”. “All In” has two meanings. One meaning is that all ages are “All In”. All are needed for God’s full purposes to be accomplished. We don’t just need the young- forgetting about the wisdom of the old. We don’t just need the older- forgetting about the energy of the young. No. ALL are needed in this movement. We honor what each age can bring to the table. Everyone gets to play.

The second meaning of “All In”, is that we are ALL IN. Not just dipping our toes in the things of God, not just testing the waters.
No. We are ALL IN.

“We believe that if the pursuit if the Kingdom of God is worth anything, it’s worth everything.”

-Phil Strout (National Director, Vineyard USA)

He is worth everything. EVERYTHING.
Why not?
What have we got to lose?

One speaker that I loved was talking about the fear of the Lord. He said that what we fear most is what we love most, what we want most in life. We should fear losing sight of Jesus more than anything else. More than fear of failure, fear of change, fear of losing my kids, fear of giving everything up…we should fear the Lord above all else.

We’re giving up just about everything to move to Ukraine. We’re all in. But what do I fear? I find myself fearing how my kids will do. I find myself wondering if our kids will hate us for this decision. I find myself fearing failure. But, why? If my kids are perfectly safe and comfy, but I have lost sight of Jesus, than it’s all for not. We must step outside of our coziness, our need for safety and control and fall into His arms. ALL IN. Fear losing sight of Him over fear of losing control, fear of being unsafe. Jesus never called us to safety. He bid us come and die. Only then will we know true life. Oh boy, I want true life so badly. I want to be all in- holding nothing back. What have I got to lose? If He is my reason for being…why not spend myself for Him?

All In is saying yes. Step, by step, by step we say Yes to Him. Comfort, my expectations, safety, all move aside in order that I might keep Him in my sights.

“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.”
Matthew 10:37-39

Will you dive ALL IN with us? What if you stayed on the same path you’re on for the rest of your life? Would it lead to Him? What if? What if you said yes to Him today, and the next day, and the next day? What have you got to lose? Whatever it is, He is worth it.

Pain:

Posted on May 24, 2013 by kimnjed

After leaving MTU today, I just had to walk.

My brain was going a mile-a-minute.

I just finished teaching a seminar on Vicarious Trauma (the cumulative impact of hearing many traumatic events in the lives of the people you help). It is a serious issue for those who work in the Helping Profession.

I also attended the funeral of a deeply loved pastor who was integral in the work MTU started throughout the Zhitomir region.

As I walked through my new city, the place we will call home for at least the first year of our lives in Ukraine,
I was trying to reconcile a part of the training I deliberately skipped over.

I hadn’t plan to skip this part, in fact, I intended to spend some time on this theme. But as I looked out at the teachers, counselors, therapists, nurses, and staff I could not tell them that a sign of Vicarious Trauma was connected to their ability to see the world as a good and safe place for themselves and those they love.

Now, before I get too far down this road, I believe this world is full of amazingly good things and good people and safe families and safe environments.

In the US, our biggest business is pain avoidance. We prescribe, self-medicate, anesthetize and pasteurize our lives from as many problems and as much pain as possible.

At the drop of a hat we start to blame God, country and anything around us when our lives become anything less than ideal. I’m speaking at myself here.

How could I tell these people, who not only see so much suffering, but experience it too, that the world is a good and safe place and you have a serious problem if you think otherwise? They would laugh me out of the room.

I wasn’t ready to talk about this part of Compassion Fatigue (aka, Vicarious Trauma).

I needed to go for a walk and think about all I have been experiencing on this trip to Ukraine.

“God, help me to understand this culture and people. Help me to see the world through their eyes and support them as they work with the most vulnerable in their community.”

After a cup of coffee and some quiet time I had a clear thought. A sign of Vicarious Trauma fatigue is the inability to see the good that is around us and trust people in our lives. It’s a slight change from the “everything’s coming up roses” worldview that is easy to have when you are hiding behind a shit-ton of missiles and medication.

Jesus came announcing the Kingdom of Heaven was at hand. The right to rule over sickness, death, sin and darkness had begun it’s reign on earth.

He didn’t stand afar off and point at all that was wrong, Christ came and made wrong things right. He became one of us and took the full weight of all our bad so we could walk in freedom and goodness and life. See Isaiah 53:5.

As helpers, our job is to be like Jesus. To stand in the places where the pain is most severe and cry out for God’s Kingdom to come and when we see healing and wholeness and life and freedom we celebrate it as a sign of God’s Kingdom here on earth.

We must take care of ourselves so we can serve from the overflow of God’s presence and power in our lives.

I had the honor of speaking at MTU’s morning devotions and I shared from Mark 7:31-37 as model of care for those who work in the helps field.

Read the passage and think of Jesus’ actions more like sign language than a mysitcal ritual.

Jesus honors this man by taking him aside. He tells him, through sign language, that he is going to heal his ears and speaking. He looks up to the Father, so the deaf man would know where the healing was coming from.

When it’s all said and done the entire community said, “Jesus does all things well!” Or translate, He does all things completely.

Our work as helpers is usually partial healing: bandaging, counseling, listening, soothing, containing, informing and befriending. But, as Christ followers, we can appeal to His finishing work and say;

“Father in Heaven, make your name great!

Just like it is in Heaven, let it be here on earth; In my life and in the families and people I serve.

Give us this day, everything we need to live lives of freedom in you.

Let us be forgivers, people who give out love and kindness freely and without reservation, as we have been forgiven and loved much.

Papa, let me learn the lessons I need to learn without going through the fires of temptation. Don’t let me be so self-focused that I miss your sweet comfort that guides me in the way of peace.

You take all the glory today and I will bathe in the warmth of I life lived near your heart.

Amen.”