The Move | Wide Awake Family

A Week in Photos: ‘Merica Edition

Posted on March 29, 2015 by kimnjed

Last week Ezra and I were in the good old US of A! We had to go there for some document stuff and had a grand time! It was the first time either of us had been back since we moved to Ukraine 17 months ago. I was nervous to go, wondering if I would feel out of place, or too “changed”, but all my worries were for not. It was a special time and our love tanks were absolutely filled to overflowing.

*I was horrible about taking pictures. My bad.*

I felt a lot of feelings throughout the trip. Some were expected, others were not. At church on the first Sunday I was so happy to be there I could have cried- and maybe did, just a little. There were so many mixed emotions coming and going that my insides felt like a huge tangled up knot. Then a wise and wonderful friend came to me and wisely advised me to stop telling myself what to feel and what not to feel.

“If you keep telling yourself what you should and shouldn’t feel you’ll miss out on all that God has for you this trip.”

Truth. I decided in that moment to just let myself feel what I felt and to let go of the reigns just a bit. I’m a control freak and I avoid vulnerability, but letting go of that control made for a much cooler trip.

Curious things we noticed while in America:

-The streets are HUGE. Wowzers. The lanes are so ginormously wide!!! It felt like every street was a freeway.

-Driving is amazing. I forgot how freeing it is to get behind the wheel and go wherever you want to go.

-The sidewalks are empty. Ha! On our first full day Ez and I walked to the DMV because I needed a replacement drivers license (my wallet was stolen last summer). After I got my license we walked to my friend’s house who was generously loaning us a car. As we walked along in the beautiful sunshine Ez said “Where are all the people?” Haha. Seriously though, walking along a sidewalk totally alone in Ukraine is a very rare thing.

-The DMV is more efficient than I ever realized. Don’t agree? Just try to get a document replaced in Ukraine and you might change your tune. 🙂

-Everyone is SO FRIENDLY and SO SMILEY! Woah Nelly. It felt like every barista and every gas attendant and every cashier was my new BFF! Sooooooo not Ukrainian. When we were going through customs in Portland, the lady who was taking the declaration sheets asked Ez “What grade are you in, buddy? Hey, do good in school, okay bud?” He barely nodded. I reminded him not to be rude and he said “But, Mom, I don’t even know her! Why was she smiling so much????” Oy. Ha. Seeing all the smiles was AMAZING. 🙂 🙂 🙂

-Everything is sparkling clean. Serious. You could eat off the floor of Target. I didn’t, but, yeah the cleanliness, wow.

-People popped out of the woodwork to tell us they pray for us every day. I had no idea. Blessed my socks off.

-So many people love our Boys fiercely. The Boys are like rockstars. I pray God speaks to their spirits and gives them even a glimpse of how deeply they are loved by multitudes of people. Thankful.

I think the biggest thing I felt on the trip to America was a feeling like I was letting all my breath out. It felt like I’d been holding my breath for the past year and a half- without even knowing it, and I finally just exhaled. You see, in America I undestand EVERYTHING. I understand every conversation, fully. I understand every sign, completely. I understand every bit of culture. I understand the body language. I understand cultural jokes. I understand family norms and social norms. I understand traffic laws. I understand what is expected of me in just about every single situation. In the whole two weeks I was there I never had one bit of tension inside like “Uh oh, what am I supposed to do here….?”

Not so in Ukraine. I think when people think of living in a different country they mostly just think of the spoken language issues- like vocabulary. I know that’s all I thought of! And yes, of course that is a HUGE HUGE HUGE learning curve and a HUGE HUGE HUGE obstacle. But there is even so much more that has to be learned than just how to say words. You have to learn the systems of how things work.

How do you buy food at a store? How do you buy food at a market? How do you do banking? How does the transportation work? How do I behave when I enter this public building? What do I do when I meet a new person? What is expected of me? How do I read that sign? And if I can’t read it, who do I ask for help? How do I send and receive mail? How will this social gathering go, and what will be expected of me? What if they ask me something and I don’t understand?

Sure, you can ask questions, but often you don’t even know what questions need to be asked. There is so much that is unspoken in culture. I can’t even tell you how much that affects daily life. Culture is everything. People don’t explain certain things to foreigners because it is such a cultural norm that everyone conforms without a second thought! Everyone except us. 🙂 We don’t even know what we don’t know. Sure we know more than we used to, but I’m still terrified of the post office. So yeah, we’ve got a ways to go.

I realized that I have become so used to feeling unsure (about what to do, what to say, how to act), that the insecure-pit-in-the-stomach feeling I get when I go most places in Ukraine has become normal to me. Oh guys, I feel dumb so often. Hahaha.

BUT, in America I remembered that although I often feel dumb and unsure and not confident, that is not who I am. I am bold. I am strong. Christ in me is bold. Christ in me is strong. He made me brave. I’m actually a fairly smart person! 🙂 I can’t even tell you how that felt- to be able to turn off the insecurities and just BE ME. I saw it changing Ezra too.

We both came back to Ukraine reminded of who Christ is in us. We came back braver and stronger. We needed that.

So yeah, it was awesome. Part of me didn’t want to leave, but another part of me couldn’t wait to get back. I have a feeling that is a tension we’ll live with as long as Ukraine is our home.

We have people who love us on both sides of the world. We have home on both sides of the world. I can love both places and long for both places. I’ll just go ahead and stop telling myself what I should feel. 🙂

ONE YEAR!!!

Posted on November 13, 2014 by kimnjed

One year. ONE YEAR! Today marks one year since we landed in Ukraine to start this crazy new journey. We’re calling today our “Ukraine-iversary”.

I remember the elevator door opening in to the baggage claim at the airport in Kyiv. I remember looking around and wondering how on God’s green earth were we going to get all 12 suitcases, all 4 carry-ons, all 5 personal items, the guitar, and all four children from baggage claim, through customs, and to the van that we hoped was waiting for us.

And then. Then I saw frantic waving through the sliding door as it opened and closed past customs. There were at least 8 friends from Kyiv Vineyard with HUGE smiles on their faces, waiting to help us out the door. Oh the relief. Those dear, sweet friends will never understand what the moment meant to me. We were not alone. We had loved ones waiting for us. And that’s how it has been along this whole journey.

Now some of those who greeted us are like our Ukrainian family. Now Vasya, the driver who I hoped and prayed really would be waiting for us, is a loved friend who drives us to and from Romaniv almost every single week.

What a journey. What.a.journey.

This year has been full.

Full of laughter, and full of tears. Full of hugs and kisses, and full of loneliness. Full of learning, and full of humility. Full of intense joy and intense grief. Full of being a stranger, and full of absolute belonging.

But most of all, this year has been full to the brim, and then overflowing with blessing.

God has blessed us this year beyond our wildest dreams. His goodness has been without end. This has been the hardest year of our lives, but also the absolute best year of our lives. There have been days when we felt like the craziest people on the face of the earth, but God has walked beside us every second.

You know what’s exciting? This is just the beginning!!! One year is like nothing! We’re just scratching the surface of the plans God has for the special boys and young people we serve. The dreams He has been giving us are even wilder and crazier and bigger than before.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU a million times THANK YOU for walking with us on this journey. Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, your comments, your emails, your financial support, your care packages, your love.

We are blessed to have you on the team.

To celebrate this most awesome Ukraine-iversary we have brought back the BeLOVE[d] t-shirts!

We will be selling the shirts until the end of the month, and 100% of the proceeds will go toward the transportation of our volunteer teams to and from Romaniv. They are Jesus’ hands and feet to our Boys and your support helps them (and us!) get there as often as possible.

Check out the sale at www.booster.com/wideawakeinternational

The Tension

Posted on November 10, 2014 by kimnjed

This living-overseas-everythingisnew-missionary-stillawifeandmomfirst-immersion thing can be quite the doozy at times. It’s a rough and wonderful road. Sharing about it though, is fine line to walk.

I want to be real and honest.

But I don’t want to be a complainer.

I want to be me.

But how to “be me” from behind a keyboard?

I want to be respectful of people here in Ukraine.

But there are things here that are difficult for us, since this is not our home culture.

I want to be respectful of the people back in the US.

But I also want them to be challenged and encouraged to think and dream bigger- and act.

I want to share all so people know how to pray.

But I don’t want to share all because I know many Ukrainian friends read this blog and I don’t want them to worry about us or feel bad for us.

I want to share about our Boys and their need and their worth. I want to share about their lives and things that break our hearts and should never have to be endured by a human.

But I don’t want to share too much because I don’t want to disrespect them or exploit them or break relationship with the Directors at Romaniv.

Fine line. Tight rope walking.

I say all that just so you know that when I write things on this blog I don’t take it lightly. There are many people to consider and many points of view to consider. Many times I write to clarify things in my own mind and heart. Sometimes I don’t really understand my own feelings until I type them out. It’s kind of like a form of therapy for me. Lucky you, my dear Readers! Ha. I also always want to be honest about this journey. Maybe it could help others who are setting out on a journey like ours. I know I love reading honesty from those who have gone before. Somehow it settles my heart to see they struggle with things similar to my own.

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out my heart and feelings surrounding the balance of being a mother and a friend and a cross-cultural-worker here in Ukraine. When we first arrived here Jed and I both jumped right on in to work. We both volunteered at MTU, probably pretty equal amounts. Whoever wasn’t at MTU was home with the kids. It was an important time for us to figure out where we fit into everything here, and to see where God wanted us in the mix.

Then we had the summer, which was basically a whole family affair (which was AWESOME…). And now we have reached the fall, and we have a new norm. I think this new norm will be the norm for some time to come. I LOVE the new norm, but my overachieving, worker-bee, people-pleasing self won’t let me be completely at peace about it and I don’t know what that means.

The new norm is that Jed does most of the work outside the home, and I am home a lot more with the kids, reminiscent of our lives back in Oregon. Of course we both go to Romaniv twice a week, do language tutoring together, and we both work together on our youth nights for graduates, but most of the rest of the work is Jed’s. I get to focus more of my time on the home, the kiddos, and being Mom and Wife. I am in love with this. I know the kids need it and they thrive when I am home more. Focusing more time on our home and our family brings me great joy and fulfillment. When I’m gone from home a lot I feel scattered and yucky.

So, I know this is a good set-up. I know this. But then I start to question myself.

I don’t question if it’s a good thing that I’m home more. I value motherhood and I think stay-at-home moms rock. I have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom with no outside work committments, but that has never been what God had for me. It’s not the focus at home that I question, it’s the time spent not focusing outside the home that has me evaluating my heart.

Do I have such peace at home partly because it’s easier to be home than out in the culture that is still difficult for me? Do I have such peace at home because I feel smart at home and I mostly feel dumb as soon as I walk outside my front door? Hahaha…not kidding…hehe. When I’m at home I have this feeling like I should be outside getting to know my neighbors, or taking the kids to the playground so they can have more exposure to language and I can brave it with neighborhood moms. But as it is, I already feel like I’m not investing enough time in to the relationships here that I already have. It’s like that guilty Oregonian feeling you get when the sun finally comes out. You feel like because it’s sunny you should be outside NO MATTER WHAT. Because you never know when you might get sun again! Well, what if I don’t feel like being outside that day? What if I have inside work to do that day? Too bad. If I stay inside on a sunny day in Oregon I am riddled with guilt. (Is that just me, or do other Oregonians catch my drift?) (PS: I think I have some guilt issues)

I’m used to watching over all the friends in my life and making sure everyone is okay and included and taken care of, but I don’t have that role here with friends. Here, we are investing that time in to our Boys, and frankly the work at Romaniv can be emotionally and spiritually exhausting. I love those Boys more than I could have ever imagined and am fully committed to them and their well-being. It’s just that with being a wife and with our kiddos at home and then our kiddos at Romaniv…I don’t have a lot of reserve left on a day to day basis. I love my friends here so stinkin’ much. I just don’t feel like a very good friend here in Ukraine and I hate that feeling…but I feel helpless to change it.

Are all these feelings okay? Or am I relying too much on myself? Maybe I’m being lazy and selfish? It’s like I still have a short-term missions mindset that I have to give up every spare moment to the work and ministry here, but we are here for the longhaul. There will be no longevity if I live this life like a short-term missions trip. I know that, but I still battle. How to find the balance of time and energy spent?

Anywaysssss…balancing focus on the home and focus outside the home and all my feelings surrounding that is exhausting. I know what the answer is: walk in the Spirit. Be available to God and when He says to act, act. Be fully at home when I’m home, but also be aware and listening for the whisper to go outside and talk to the neighbors. Be aware of my friends and listen to promptings in my spirit for when I need to reach out. Stop being a people-pleaser and only live for an audience of One. Say YES. I know these things, it’s just all easier said than done.

So, there you have it: my Monday afternoon therapy session. Ha! I just think it’s important to be honest about this journey. Then you can all know how to pray! 🙂

Oh this road, it’s so unpredictable. Thank you Jesus for walking by my side.

A New Place

Posted on October 20, 2014 by kimnjed

We are rapidly approaching our one year anniversary of life here in Ukraine.

Has it already been one year? Has it been only one year????

So much has happened in this past year it feels like a million lifetimes have passed since we touched down in Kyiv that cold November night.

Before we moved we’d been warned by other missionaries and in missionary books and missionary blogs that the first year overseas is a beast. We tried to prepare ourselves for that, but how can you really prepare, emotionally and spiritually, to leave everything you have ever known and held dear- and start over? How can you prepare to go from being a pretty smart person to feeling pretty much dumb pretty much all the time? How can you prepare for what it will be like to watch your children hurt and struggle and feel lonely? How can you prepare to go from being a vital part of a vibrant community of like-minded people to living on the fringes of society?

You just can’t. You can try, but you just can’t be prepared. You just have to jump and trust that your loving Father will catch you.

This first year has been the hardest time of our lives. It has stretched us and jostled us and turned us upside down.

And yet…

How can you prepare to have your heart invaded by 80 boys tucked away in the middle of nowhere? How can you prepare for the joy of knowing young men and women with special needs who can light up the room with a single smile? How can you prepare to watch God fling open doors that have been shut for years? How can you prepare to feel the absolute smile of God and joy of the Father as you walk right down the center of His will? How can you prepare to watch young men and women loving your children with utter abandonment?

You just can’t. You can try, but you just can’t be prepared. These things are what you experience in that catch of the Father.

My heart came to a new place this past week. I was washing the dishes and thinking about our upcoming Ukraine-iversary, and I realized that I’m good. I’m okay. We will most likely live here for a very long time, and I’m okay with it. When we moved here we sold everything except what we packed in our 12 suitcases (and a couple tubs in storage). We came here with the mindset that this is our new home until God says otherwise. We knew then that if we came for a set amount of time we would forever be looking at that deadline and we wouldn’t settle in for the long-haul. We know that about ourselves.

I can’t know the heart of God, and His ways are higher than mine. Maybe He’ll have us leave here next month, but I highly doubt it. I can’t say I know the future, but I can say that the dreams God gave us are big HUGE dreams that are going to take a loooooooong time. So, as things stand now, I expect us to live in Ukraine for many, many years.

We are here for the long-haul, and I’m good. I’m sad, but I’m good. Thinking about the long-haul a few months ago only made me cry. I’ll be honest. Now it makes me cry and it makes me smile. It makes me cry because I miss my family and my friends across the ocean. I saw pictures of a bunch of my family all together last weekend and I bawled my eyes out. I should be there with them. How can I not be there with them? How can we raise our children so far away from family? How can we bear all the missed holidays, all the missed birthdays, all the joys of daily life? Christmas is coming. How will we bear it? I don’t know and I don’t even want to think about it. I guess I have to trust that God will catch us then too. It’s so hard, but we just have to trust Him that He will fill those empty places- for us and our family in the US. That part is incredibly hard. I can’t even tell you how hard.

The long-haul also makes me smile. It makes me smile because of our dear ones here. How could we ever leave our Boys???? How??? How could we leave and not be a part of their lives? How could we walk away and not know what happened to them, where they lived out their days? How could we stop fighting for them? And what about our young adults with special needs? We love them! How could we leave? And what about all our friends? Our church? Leaving here would be just as devastating as it was to leave Salem. I’ll even dare to say it would be more devastating deep down, simply because our loved ones in America are daily loved and care for by many, but our Boys are not.

Sigh. There just aren’t any simple fixes. It’s just painful and joyful and trustful and tearful. All we can do is trust and keep hold of the hand of our Father.

So, I’m in a new place. I’m in a place of seeing the long road stretched out before me and feeling okay with walking in that direction for many more years. There will be plenty of tears and joys along the way, I’m sure of that. But oh the peace that comes from saying YES to Jesus- one step at a time. There’s just nothing like it.

Six Months!

Posted on May 13, 2014 by kimnjed

Today marks 6 months in Ukraine. Happy Anniversary to us! YAY!

The past 6 months have flown by, yet so much has happened and so much in life has changed in that time that I can hardly believe we’ve only been here for 6 months. Crazy.

My heart is so full right now as I look back at all God has done, and as I look at what He is doing right now. I think about the ones who helped send us here, and continue to send us and I am overwhelmed with love. All our friends, family, and supporters that are so far away- we love you so so much. We cherish every email, every Skype/Facetime date, every Viber message, every Facebook message, every postcard more than we can even express. THANK YOU for your continued prayer and encouragement. It is necessary and such an enormous blessing to us. We know we aren’t “out of sight out of mind” and that means a lot to us. 🙂

Then I think about all our wonderful friends here in our new home and I get all gushy and teary-eyed again. How is it that we can be so blessed?? I’ve decided that we are just stinkin’ spoiled rotten. Our Ukrainian friends love us and our children so very well. Our lives are so much richer because of your presence in our lives. THANK YOU for loving us despite our toddler vocabulary. You are too good to us. We love you!

Okay, I’m done with my speech now. I could say so much more, but it’ll get all mushy and you all don’t want to read that. Let’s just say, God s good and saying YES is worth it.

Annnnnnd for your viewing pleasure, here are some of my favorite pics of the past few weeks, just because I can. 🙂