Real Life

On Leaving 

Posted on by kimnjed

How to begin?  We head back to Ukraine in 12 days.  What the what??????


My last blog post was June 3rd. I have known I needed to write, but it felt like there was too much in there to adequately put into words.  Also, I realized that at some point over the past couple of years I started censoring myself.  I’m not sure exactly why.  I think a big reason is because the more I grew to know and love our Ukrainian friends in Zhytomyr, and the more time we spent away from our beloved friends and family in the US, the more I have wanted to make sure nothing I say is misinterpreted by anyone on either side of the ocean. 

That’s the struggle of this cross-cultural life.  Everywhere you go you are missing one person and glad to see another. Every time you go you are sad to leave one place but excited to reach another.  

All those feelings could be taken the wrong way, misinterpreted, hurtful…if you are the one being left you may feel rejected because we are excited to see the other.  When we are excited to leave Ukraine and get to the US I’m afraid it will appear that we don’t like Ukraine.  When we are excited to leave the US to get back to our life in Ukraine I’m afraid it will appear that we don’t appreciate the US and are “above” our old life. Ugh.  The people-pleaser in me does not have a clue how to navigate that, let alone write about it.  So I go silent. Sorry for that.

It’s just a fact that living between two worlds is very sticky business with no instruction manual.  

How do you leave a place and people well? 

How do re-enter a place well?

How do you leave a place where you are outgoing and confident, a fixer, and a leader and return to a place where you are a learner, an outsider, a person on the fringes of society with a first-grade handle on the language- and not crawl into a shell and hide?

How do you maintain friendships from across multiple time zones while also being fully planted and rooted where you are?

How do you invest in new friendships without feeling like you are letting your old ones slip away?  

How do you fully embrace your overseas life without feeling like you are a traitor to the ones you love across the ocean?

How do you look at pictures of your old friends and their kids all together and not feel guilt and sadness that your kids are not there to join in and grow up together?

How do you leave your mother and father and take away their grandchildren without feeling massive guilt?

How do you be fully where you are when you feel like your heart and life are split in two?

I don’t have a clue. 

One thing I know is that I failed in many of those areas last time we were in Ukraine and I am hopeful that this time will be better.  Last time I lived with A LOT of guilt. Everyday. No one put that on me; I’m awesome at doing that to myself. 🙂

I felt like I was a bad friend to my American friends, but my Ukrainian life took so much energy that I simply couldn’t be the kind of friend I wanted to be to the ones I have loved for many years.  

I allowed all my confidence to be stripped away and socially became a shell of my former self. (Lack of fluency will do that to ya) Making friends was hard for me and I’m not used to that. I ached to be understood and known. (See, just writing that makes me worried that my Ukrainian friends will think I’m saying I had no friends in Ukraine. Ugh! Ha! )

We spent those first two years just learning how to survive and didn’t really get the chance to become fully planted.  Our kids felt that.  I know that couldn’t really be helped.  We had to learn to survive and the learning curve was/is steep. Grocery shopping, banking, post-officing, cooking, schooling, transportation, church, utilities, LANGUAGE…everything was new and we were like aliens on a different planet. There was a lot of everyday living to figure out before any roots could begin to take hold. 

But this time, I think this time is going to be different. Our mindset is different.We are purchasing land and settling in for the long-haul.  We have committed our lives to these boys and once we begin to take them out everything changes. Of course we’ll still come to the US for visits, but my heart and mind need the opportunity to settle in and make a home in Ukraine. I need pictures up on the walls.  I need to know in my heart that until God says differently, Ukraine is our home. No guilt allowed. 

So, if you see us in the coming days, just know that our hearts are confused and there is no easy answer to the question “How are you?” We’re so happy and so sad.  We’re excited and dreading.  We’re confident and scared.  We’re ready and we’re not.  

I’m only resolute one thing: I know that I know that this is the life God has created us for and I WILL NOT allow guilt to rob me of the joy that comes with following Jesus and saying yes. 

So there. That’s the *pretty much* uncensored version of my heart.  If you are a person who prays we would sure appreciate your prayers over the next several weeks.  The kids are struggling with all the change and the chaos in our home is great at the moment. We need peace and knowing and joy in the journey.  

Thank you for walking with us! 

All About Vladik: Seven Months Free

Posted on by kimnjed

I wish every single person who ever met Vladik at Romaniv could see him now.  You would not know this child.  

Jed is back in Ukraine right now and has been sending me tons of pics of my babies there.  When I see those pictures and then stop and think about Vladik living there I almost can’t even imagine it.  The boy I know now is so much different than the boy I knew there.  He’s a new creation. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Vladik is a miracle.  How could a child raised there be this joyful, this full of life, this loving, this generous?  Only God could do something like that. 

General Transition: He’s a rockstar. Vladik is growing in his development in leaps and bounds.  His language is growing as well, both Ukrainian and English.  He’ll often ask us what certain words are in English, and if we tell him once he usually remembers.  So, now Vladik speaks a mixture of Russian, Ukrainian, English, and “Vladik speak”.  Everyone in our family understands about 99% of what he says, but it’s another story with the rest of the world.  Slowly and surely he is becoming more understandable.  He desires to communicate and his social skills have vastly improved, so we are not worried. 

  
Vladik came to us with many institutional behaviors.  He didn’t know how to behave in most any environment and had a lot of nervous twitches- like sticking his tongue in and out really quickly, licking his hands, and putting his elbows up to his ears, almost like he was blocking his ears.  He would also make tons of inappropriately loud sounds at inappropriate times.  Like if there was quiet he just had to fill it!  If we were in a store or the library and it was quiet you could guarantee Vladik would start filling up the space “BEEP BEEEEEEP!  BEEP BEEEEEEP!”  Oy. We’ve come a long way baby. Now if he beeps we just remind him that he’s not a car and he instantly stops.  🙂 He is sensitive to environments and if all is quiet he is usually good about being quiet.  The only real nervous behavior he still holds on to is the elbows up at the ears, but that one is more and more rare.  He usually only does that if he knows he’s done something wrong, or if someone else is in trouble.  It’s wonderful to take a moment to think back at how far he’s come. Praise God! 

Family: We’ve hit a point where it feels like he’s just always been here.  I no longer have that feeling like I’m the babysitter of a child who just always stays (that is a normal feeling in adoption, FYI). He is our son and it feels natural.  I couldn’t have said that even one month ago.  He still loves his Seth and I think when he had his surgery it bonded him more to the other kids as well.  They were all so concerned for him and that empathy really helped with relationship building.  He really is just one of the gang.  I’m so thankful for that. 

   
   
School: Vladik started school a few weeks ago and is doing amazingly well!  In January he started seeing a tutor for a half hour a day while the school district found a classroom placement for him.  Then in the last week of March he became a freshman at South Salem High.  Ha!  He’s in a self-contained classroom and we are so blessed by teachers and assistants that love him and treasure him.  Vladik LOVES school.  We started him going half a day at first, but now he is going full day.  Most of the fun, more active learning happens in the afternoon, so we knew he would really enjoy that.  Like every day his class gathers the recycling from all the classrooms and they sort and shred.  Vladik is kinda obsessed with the shredder. 🙂 Today he goes on his first field trip to a recycling center!  He could hardly sleep last night he was so excited to ride the school bus. I am so happy for him that he has this opportunity.  Sweet boy deserves every bit of joy and life that we can offer him. 

  
Medical: Vladik had sleep apnea, so we had his tonsils and adenoids taken out on March 30th.  He also had the back of his throat expanded to make his airway larger.  He did great and has fully recovered.  We had a few scary hours in the recovery room after learning that his body is extremely sensitive to narcotics, but we learned our lesson on that one!  I’m excited to repeat the sleep study, but I can already tell you that the surgery made a big difference.  You know how when you have a newborn and they’re sleeping so still and silently that you have to go super close to make sure they’re still breathing?  Yeah, I had to do that the other night with Vladik.  🙂 I’m used to being able to hear Vladik sleeping from every other room in the house, but that’s not the case now!  He sleeps absolutely SILENTLY.  I’m so so so happy for him!!!!!!  His body used to have to work so stinkin’ hard just to get air.  He had to sleep with his head back and his back arched just to keep his airway open.  The ENT told us that Vladik probably had many very dangerous nights as a small child because his airways were so small.  Thank you God for protecting our baby!  Now I pray that he will start to gain weight since he won’t be working so hard just to sleep. 
The next surgery for Vladik is on his right hand.  A plastic surgeon will be giving him a thumb sometime in May.  WOOHOO!  That is the surgery Vladik is so excited about.  We were hoping to do surgery on his feet first, but we won’t be able to.  The foot surgeon will be out of the country for the months of May and June and we will simply run out of time.  We need to be back in Ukraine as a family in August, so we have to let the feet go for now.  Most likely Vladik and I will return for that surgery sometime at the beginning of next year.  So now we just eagerly await insurance approval so we can schedule hand surgery!  

  
Otherwise, I guess I can just say that Vladik is our joy and we love him more every day.  A couple months ago we started teaching him how to hug.  Vladik is very protective of his body and would barely receive a hug.  He would kind of back his shoulder in to you and that was as good as it got.  He would often come and kiss my shoulder, but he was embarrassed or nervous to hug.  We taught him that you give friends high fives, but with family you need to wrap your arms around them and that is a hug. Now if I say “I need love” (in Ukrainian) he will wrap his arms around me and hug me tight.  And yesterday, for the first time, he initiated.  I was in the kitchen and he came in and said “LOVE!!!” And gave me the hugest hug! Melt.my.heart.

He’s just awesome and we are so thankful that we get to have him in our lives.  Precious, precious boy. 

   
 

Romaniv Through Addy’s Eyes

Posted on by kimnjed

  
Addy, our 11 year old daughter, has gone with us to Romaniv the past couple of days for day camp. She is an awesome helper, and today we gave her the camera so we see her view of the Boys. I absolutely loved looking through her photos. I’m always the one taking pictures, so for me there’s just something kind of special about seeing the boys through someone else’s eyes, especially someone as special as our Addy. 🙂 

Enjoy! 

                           

On the Couch Musings

Posted on by kimnjed

Today is Day 3 of Romaniv Day Camp (if you follow Wide Awake on Facebook I’ve been posting pics) and I’m home on the couch in a semi-reclined position, trying hard not to move.  It’s nothing serious, I just tweaked my back at Romaniv last Friday and it’s not too happy at me for continuing to go and lift wheelchairs and wrangle Andriy and stuff like that.  So, I’m taking a break today and resting my back so I can hopefully finish the week strong.  

   

 

Since I’m bound to the couch, per Dr. Jed’s orders, (well, as bound to the couch as I can be with three out of four kids at home) I thought I’d beat the boredom and write a blog post! There is a lot I could say.  I have A LOT rumbling around in my brain right now.  But I don’t feel very deep at the moment, so I’ll just give you a sneak peek into the craziness that is my brain right now.  

*Addy went to Romaniv in my place today.  We have been pretty short on volunteers this week due to university exams (booooo).  I knew my back needed a break, but wasn’t sure how the team would manage with one less body, so….Addy to save the day!!!  She likes to go to Romaniv occasionally, but sometimes it scares her a little bit.  Understandably so, I mean, Romaniv scares plenty of adults!  But, she really does love the boys very much and tries to stay up on all the details of their lives.  🙂  She is a great help when she comes, it’s actually pretty amazing!  She just dives on in with no fear and does what needs to be done.  Watching Addy with the boys is so sweet…Jed better take pics!

  

*We want our kids to be involved in the work God has called us to here, but sometimes (aka, always) I question how to best do that.  What does it do to our kids to expose them to such suffering, such darkness?  How will this shape the way they see the world?  I know mostly it will shape them for the good, but what about their coping skills?  How will they cope with being exposed to such trauma?  Sometimes I can’t even bear the weight of it.  Is it fair to expect them to?  We never ever make Addy and Ezra go.  Hava and Seth are too young, although they always beg to go.  They so want to be involved, but it’s just not safe for them there.  I wish we had someone to help guide us through this.  

*We desperately owe our supporters a newsletter.  Oy.  I try to stay very faithful with Facebook updates and blog updates…but somehow newsletters get left in the dust.  If you are waiting on pins and needles for a newsletter from Wide Awake…it’s coming!  I promise!!!  😉 (another task for my couch-bound day)

  

*Did I already blog that our adoption dossier has been submitted to the Ukrainian government?  YES IT HAS!!  That means if it is accepted “as is”  then we should have an appointment to begin the in-country adoption process sometime next month!  I’m so excited I can’t even bear it.  Please pray with us that the government will easily accept our documents and that they won’t require anything extra from us because of our living situation (US citizens with temporary residence here).  THANKS! 

*Seth is outside playing with the hose wearing Havalah’s bathing suit.  Whatevs.  

*Seth is going to be 5 next week. FIVE!!!!  I don’t know how that happened.  For his birthday he has requested hockey gear, a motorcycle, and a bobsled.  Ummmm….yeah, he’s probably going to be disappointed.  😉

*Still praying every day for adoptive parents to step up for our boys.  Please, don’t be afraid.  It will be hard, but it will be worth it.  

*Ezra is outside reading right now.  By choice.  I had nothing to do with it.  Sure, it’s a Minecraft book- but it’s a BOOK.  I am astounded and a little afraid to blink, hence this magical moment disappear forever. 

  

*Next week we will be hosting our first short-term medical team.  Eek!  I’m nervous, but excited.  It is a team of 4  medical professionals from Germany.  They are being sent by Humedica, a German relief organization.  They’ll spend every day at Romaniv, helping us to do baseline assessments of each boy’s functional skills with our new assessment tool.  The team will be here for two weeks.  I hope they will enjoy their time here!  I kinda have butterflies about it.  

   

 

Welp, that about does it.  That’s a small portion of the things I’m thinking about as I sit here today.  Don’t even get me started with thoughts on homeschooling and language learning and our visit to the US this summer and how our adoption fits in to all this.  Multi-tasking, anyone?

It’s a full life.  It’s a wonderful life.  Thank you Jesus for this crazy life you’ve given us! 

A Week in Photos: April 9th + Randomness

Posted on by kimnjed

Hi Friends!

I hope this finds you well, with a smile on your face and a spring in your step.  🙂  Things are chugging right along around here.  We’ve had a great week so far.  Lots of normalness, lots of laughs, a few tears, and plenty of coffee to fuel it all.  

Last week we celebrated Seth’s Adoption Day!  The actual day was while I was in America, so we held off on the festivities till we could all be together.  Every year we take a day to celebrate that God brought Seth in to our family.  He’s only 4, so in the past we have done it more for our other kids, so that they would see the value in adoption and understand how special it is.  This was the first year Seth cared about it.  He still doesn’t fully understand what it means, but we often tell him the story of how he came to be our son, so it’s just a matter of time before he “gets it”.  All he gets right now is that it’s a special day just for him.  He chose to go out to pizza and bowling, so we did!  

Oh how I love our boy.  Sometimes I can’t believe he didn’t grow inside my belly.  Just like our bio kids, I feel like Seth is an extension of me, like a piece of my heart is walking around outside my body.  I love my baby.  🙂

   

  

  

  

 

Funny Story:

Have you ever heard of “No-Poo”?  Despite it’s name, it has nothing to do with toilets.  “No-Poo” is a method of hair cleansing without shampoo- get it, no “poo”?  Shampoo strips the scalp of much of it’s natural oils that are so good for your hair.  When you strip your scalp of it’s oils, then it thinks it needs to produce more oil, then you strip them all again, then your body makes more, and on and on.  Anyway, I have been a no-pooer for a couple of years now and it’s the best ever.  I use baking soda to wash my hair, and apple cider vinegar to condition it about once a week.  It works well for me, but sometimes I feel like the soda is a bit harsh on my scalp.  In fact, hardcore no-pooers will never recommend baking soda.  But honey and aloe and all those expensive treatments aren’t realistic for me.  Baking soda is cheap and accessible, so there. I read somewhere that washing your hair with egg yolk once a month is a good way to give your scalp a little break.  So, being the weirdo/fierceless warrior/hippy that I am, I decided to give it a whirl!  Why not?

I read in the instructions that you need to make sure to only use the yolk and not the white, and to make sure the  water isn’t too hot.  Wellllllll….yeah.  I separated the egg well, or so I thought.  The water wasn’t tooooooo hot, or so I thought.  I got out of the shower and yeah, scrambled egg head.  There’s nothing more romantic than a husband who will patiently pick cooked egg out of your hair.  I’ve got a winner, folks! Now if the Denny’s jokes would just stop.  “Oh sweetie, you smell so good, now I just need a side of bacon!”  Ha.Ha. Shut up.  😉 

I may smell like a diner, but my hair is soft and shiny, so I wouldn’t call it a complete failure…not completely. 

 

We are so thankful for new volunteers! Praise God!

  

Sweet Aaron needs a mama. Do you know her?

  

  

Sweet Ben also needs a mommy and daddy. He is not thriving. Please share our boy!

  

Stephen is waiting for a family too. Oh my sweet boy. He loves to run and spin. Treasure.

Addy is such a great helper at Romaniv. The boys love her! The feeling is mutual.

Hava took this last picture.  I just like it.  I love cuddling in with my kiddos and reading a good book.  I’m not a “playing” mom.  I don’t like to play toys with my kids.  I’ll play Just Dance on the Wii, or jump on a trampoline, or bake cookies with you,  but please, for the love, don’t ask me to play Barbies.  I just.can’t.do.it.    What I love most, is reading to my kids.  Find us a good read-aloud and it’s all over.  I hope they will treasure the memories of us all cuddled up reading a good book.  I know I will.  🙂  (I hope they won’t mind the mild scent of brunch)